Losing Control

"The more control you lose, the more control you will gain in the end."  ~Bob Harper, The Biggest Loser, talking about facing your real fears.

This statement on tonight's episode, immediately made me stop and think.  I am trying to hard to stay in control that I'm completely out of control!

I give up before I start (eating healthy, exercising, etc.) because I don't believe that I have any control over success or failure, and I am already convinced that I'm going to fail.

I have decided in my mind that I'm not physically able to walk "X distance" so I'm not even going to try.

I have already proven, that in 20 years, I can't lose weight and keep it off.

I have predetermined that I cannot make healthy choices permanently, so I set myself up to fail before I can make progress.

I have chosen to be sedentary/lazy most hours of the day.  This I DO have control of.  This I cannot fail.  It's easy.... but it accomplishes absolutely nothing, except to help me become more and more unhealthy.

I need to figure out how to let go of the control in my mind so that I can gain control, like Bob says.  How am I going to do that?  I don't know for sure, but it's something I need to start working toward.  I think I need to accomplish something, that I honestly don't believe I can do.  What will that be?  I guess I will start thinking about it.

Making Progress!

It's been a while since my last entry, and I'm happy to say I'm still on track!  I have a couple of friends who have been really great about encouraging me and cheering me on.

I haven't spent as much time doing purposeful exercise, but I still feel like I get a workout every day when I have Caeden with me.  He sure gives me a run for my money, not to mention I'm cross-training with a 25 pound weight in my arms!  I've also had more energy and motivation to work around the house, and housework = exercise, right?

As of this morning, I'm down a total of 14.2 pounds since I started my quest on 

January 5.  My clothes aren't quite so tight, but I'm not ready to go down a size just yet.  I'm anxious to do some shopping this spring for some new summer clothes, which I have not had for several years.  Maybe by the end of the summer I'll be brave enough to buy a swimsuit for our possible anniversary trip in October.

eating healthier = more energy

more energy = feeling better

feeling better = momentum

momentum = weight loss

weight loss = new clothes

new clothes = renewed confidence

renewed confidence = motivation

motivation = success

success = a strong healthy body

Working It Out

The past few days have been more difficult than I would like to admit.  My exercise has been derailed and I have not been on track at all with my food.  I have wavered between "you can do this" and "just forget it" so many times every day.  In the moments that I feel like just I don't care, I feel completely defeated.  When I feel like I can do this, I am empowered and focused.

I did more reading about the lymphatic system online.  I found one source that suggests using the Rebounder in three phases as my physical condition improves. The first being the Health Bounce.  This I was familiar with, but didn't have a good understanding of the true benefits and how to do the Health Bounce properly.  Now that I have read this new information, I am starting today with a Health Bounce every hour for 3 minutes.  It flushes out the lymphatic system completely in that time and causes my body to replace white blood cells more quickly.  I am hopefully that by the end of today, I will start to feel some positive effects, and after doing this for a few days that I will notice less fatigue and more energy.  After I have a good handle on this phase, I will move on to the Strength Bounce, which will help me with strengthening my core.  Something about the G-force going up and down and it taking every muscle to maintain the motion and balance.  We'll talk about the Aerobic Bounce down the road.  It may be a while before I can manage this phase.

Looking ahead to March, I hope that I am able to lose about 10-15 more pounds by then.  I need to fit comfortably in a coach airline seat.  The last time I flew I had a first class ticket.  It was so nice, and I didn't have to worry so much about my size and the person next to me.  I would like to be able to be that comfortable in coach.

Here are some of the goals I have in order to achieve a STRONGER, HEALTHIER body:

• Stop drinking pop altogether - no regular, no diet.
• Do something physical every day - exercise, housework, etc.
• Watch what I eat and how much.
• Drink more water!
• Get outside more when the weather gets warmer.

I know it takes time, persistence, consistency, and commitment.  I WILL get STRONG and HEALTHY!

It's Not Easy!

I managed to exercise FOUR days in a row!  Three days on my Rebounder and last evening I suffered through a cardio video workout.  Over the years I have acquired various video workouts on DVD.  I pulled them out to see if I thought I could even manage any of them.  I watched a few segments of a couple of them and decided to try a Biggest Loser ten minute cardio workout.  That was just about the longest ten minutes of my life!!  Of course, I modified several of the exercises because I'm just so out of shape.  I noticed every pain and pull.  I felt every stretch and strain as my body tries to move in ways it hasn't in years.  I remember in the 8th grade, we did a PE segment of "dance aerobics".  It was my favorite part of PE that I ever had in school.  It was FUN and EASY!  Thirty years later, it's neither fun or easy.  If I keep going, I know it WILL get easier and it WILL become fun again!!

I keep reminding myself that if I just keep going and challenge myself a little more every day, everything will become easier and more fun!  I make myself get off the couch to do things, rather than ignoring the things that need my attention - whether it be the laundry, my grandson, or the dogs.  I continue to tell myself that it will be even easier tomorrow!

Today is a rare winter day near 50 degrees!  I got out there while it was "warm" and took care of a few things that needed done outside.  One day the things that are difficult for me now will become so much easier.  I just have to keep on moving!

Taking Care of Me!

Over the years of being busy with kids, distracted by chronic illness, and becoming overweight and sedentary (okay, let me call it what it really is.... laziness), I have completely neglected myself.  I have fallen into a pattern of only taking care of myself at the absolute minimum.  I shower (most days), I get dressed (well, only sort of if I'm not going anywhere), and I remember to brush my teeth (although sometimes not until the afternoon).

Recently, I have made some efforts to do a little better on those things and add a few things to try to make myself look and feel better.  A little bit of mascara goes a long way.  Trying to wear some of my nicer clothes when I leave the house, rather than my old, stained shirts.

I have a couple of problem areas that really need some attention.  1) I'm a chronic, obsessive nail biter.  2) I have psoriasis on the bottoms of my feet (which goes along with my psoriatic arthritis).  As for the first, I need to get a handle on the biting habit, as well as being taking care of my nails which will make them less "chewable".  The second needs regular attention with topical prescriptions, which I am just never inclined to mess with.  For some reason I have a hang-up about having lotion-ey stuff on my hands unless it's hand lotion.  Actually, I don't like my hands in anything.  I like them dry - probably too dry.  It feels disgusting to touch any kind of raw meat.  I don't like doing dishes or using any types of cleaners for household purposes.  It all just feels yucky on my hands.  It's hard to explain how much this bothers me.  I'm sure it's some sort of weird psychological issue.

All that said, I'm making an effort to take care of these parts of me because if I do, I know I will feel better about myself.  Sometimes the psoriasis is so bad on my feet, that it cracks and bleeds and is very painful, giving me yet another excuse to avoid any type of physical activity.  I can't get strong and healthy unless I can be physically able to move around on my feet.

I am motivated today to make changes and create better habits.  These things will lead to feeling physically better about myself, which will in turn motivate me to take better care of myself.  This will eventually turn into a positive cycle of permanent change.

Starting Over... Again.

Here I am, back at square one. I have been significantly overweight for more than 20 years.  I have acquired more diet information than any one person should need in a lifetime.  I have been on various diets too numerous to count, including Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers (several times), Richard Simmons, Carbohydrate Addict's Diet, Lose it for Life, The Weigh Down Workshop, Slim Fast, and many more that I can't even name.  I'm tired of trying to lose weight.

I am tired of being weak and tired!  I'm ready to be STRONG and HEALTHY!!

On January 5, I decided to get back on track and try again.  I got on the scale for the first time in a really long time, and I was horrified but not surprised that the number on the scale was within just a few pounds of my highest weight ever.  Not okay!  I have a family and grandchildren that I want to be healthy for.  I want to have the energy to chase the grandbabies!  I want to feel STRONG and HEALTHY!

I have been a "secret eater" since I can remember.  I have dealt with many things that have driven me to use food to cope, including emotional trauma, stress, and chronic physical illness.  I'm done coping.  I am ready to conquer!

I started watching what I eat.  Not another diet, but rather using all of that "diet knowledge" to make healthy food choices, watching my portion sizes, and keeping the junk food and pop out of the house.

Several months ago, I purchased a Rebounder (aka mini-trampoline, but Rebounder sounds better.  LOL).  After reading up on it, I discovered it was a workout tool that I could use.  It's no-impact on my joints and great for the lymphatic system.  (I'm sure my lymphatic system is clogged up and toxic.  Notice the word "phat" in there.)  I tried it a couple of times after making the investment, but didn't stick with it.  It found it's way into the corner, out of sight - out of mind.

A few days ago, I decided to get it out and dust it off.  The first day I managed all of five minutes.  The next day I talked myself through TEN minutes.  Last night I was so tired after a busy day, my first thought was "I'll skip tonight".  WAIT!!!  If I start making excuses already, it's going to end up back in that corner.  I called a friend and told her I didn't want to get on that thing, but that I was going to do ELEVEN minutes anyway.  I had to be accountable to someone.  I got on, started my stopwatch, and completed ELEVEN minutes, "sprinting" the last minute!  It felt great to get off and call my friend to tell her I was done.

Today is another day and I'm determined.  I'll make healthy choices in what I eat today and I'll be back on my Rebounder this evening!